If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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