Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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