i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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