I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Randomize
