dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
