He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She needs sedatives and a leash
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
