I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
