so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
