Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
