Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
