i just had sex bonerless
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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