take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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