I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
