She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
