Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
