I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
