Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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