Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
