It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
He has the fingertips of a God
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