I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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