oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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