So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
