I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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