i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
