So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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