Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
