They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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