Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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