my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
