After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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