Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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