Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
