Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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