my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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