her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
