I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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