I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
