i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
