I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
