i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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