when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
