You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
