apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
