woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
