This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
