just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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