There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
