There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
