haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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