Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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